That’s America!

Posted by Stranded in Sonoma

1 — You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Direct Marketing.

2 — You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, “She’s fantastic in bed.” That’s Advertising.

3 — You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Telemarketing.

4 — You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress, walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I?” and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then you add, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Public Relations.

5 — You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.” That’s Brand Recognition.

6 — You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That’s a Sales Rep.

7 — Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you. That’s Tech Support.

8 — You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing, so you climb onto the car’s roof and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!” That’s Junk Mail.

9 — You are at a party and this distinguished man walks up to you and grabs your ass. That’s Bill Clinton.

10 — You liked it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended.
That’s America!



We, the Jury, find the defendant…

Posted by Stranded in Sonoma

In wake of the not guilty verdict in the trial of George Zimmerman, I have a few observations I’d like to make. I know that opinions are like assholes, everybody has one. But I believe this needs to be said, if for no other reason than to cover the jury’s 6.

George Zimmerman, a Latino, was charged with the 2nd degree murder of Trayvon Martin, a black man. Mr. Martin was 17 years old, stood 6’2″ and weighed 160 pounds. He played high school football. The press would have you believe that Trayvon was a child of 12 years when he was killed. No. Mr. Martin was NOT a child. He was NOT 12 years old. Look at this photo. You will see Mr. Zimmerman’s broken and bloody nose from Mr. Martin repeatedly striking his face and the injuries to the back of his head from Mr. Martin slamming his head onto the ground. Had that beating continued, Mr. Zimmerman would have died and Mr. Martin would have been tried as an adult for murder. Do not forget that fact.

If you read any impartial account of the trial or watched any of the proceedings on television, you would know that the prosecution failed miserably to prove its case. The prosecution witnesses were far from credible and in most instances their testimony was easily torn apart by the defense. We’ve all seen the video of Rachel Jeantel on the witness stand during cross examination by the defense, telling everyone that she cannot read cursive, even though the note she was reading was supposedly penned by her. Then, the prosecution even admitted that she lied. This was pretty much the direction the prosecution’s case took.

But the gist of this post is about the jury. The six women on that jury had to weigh all of the evidence brought by the prosecution. They had to determine if the prosecution proved 2nd degree murder and, according to the judge’s instructions to the jury, they had to weigh the evidence against a possible last second invention of a charge of manslaughter brought by the judge. When all was said and done, the jury refused to convict. They stood their ground and brought back the only verdict possible. They understood that Mr. Zimmerman was innocent until proven guilty and the prosecution proved nothing. Despite the sequestration of the jury, they knew how racially charged this trial was. How could they not? They could see Mr. Zimmerman at the defense table and I’m sure they wondered how the press could call him a White Hispanic when it is clear looking at him that he is Latino. Why say “White” Hispanic? Why not just say “Hispanic” or more correctly, “Latino?”

Even with all of that the jury had one more thing with which to contend. Over the last 10 years there have been no end of stories of how someone’s personal information (address, phone numbers, etc.) was published on the web. These people were harassed and intimidated. They were threatened with violence up to and including death. There is no way the jury could have NOT been aware of these instances of the worst Gestapo-esque tactics. They were in the news month after month. They knew that there was a possibility that their OWN personal information could be leaked to the web and that they could receive the same intimidation and the same threats of violence. Yet, they still had the courage to find Mr. Zimmerman not guilty! If nothing else proves the prosecution’s case was the weakest of the weak, that one thing does!

When Jason Collins, a player in the NBA, said he was a homosexual, his “coming out” was hailed as “courageous.” Bullshit. Telling everyone that you enjoy fecal intercourse is not courageous. Bringing back a verdict of not guilty when you are possibly under the threat of physical violence for doing so, IS courageous. It is called doing the right thing in the face of adversity. Mr. Collins is going to get a multi million dollar endorsement from Nike for saying he is a homosexual. Yeah, facing that kind of adversity must have made Mr. Collin’s decision a difficult one. The press will never understand the stress that the Zimmerman jury went through to bring in a not guilty verdict in the face of all of the race-baiting, all of the possible personal information leaks, all of the knowledge that they could become victims of liberal hate. But they did the right thing and said, “Not guilty on all counts.”

Now, that’s courage.  


We are MEN.

Posted by Stranded in Sonoma

Ladies, remember these rules about men. They are numbered for convenience.

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like the guys on your favorite soap opera.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something – OR – tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is a vegetable. We have no idea what Mauve is.
1. If it itches, it WILL be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say, “Nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, then you should expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear IS fine…really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as the counter trey, the shotgun formation, or the zone defense.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.